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As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.